Behind Closed Doors:The 5 Rules of Marriage My Husband and I Live By

Marriage is a tricky dance. Sometimes it’s three steps forward and two steps back on the road to happily-ever-after. In every contract there are rules. Marriage is a forever love contract. We stood before God and witnesses and vowed to love, honor, and cherish the person across from us “until death do us part.” Unfortunately, today, it’s until death or divorce do us part. I don’t like that word, “divorce.” Sadly, our divorce rate is way too high. If our spouse chooses to walk away from our hope for happily-ever-after there’s not a whole lot one can do.

However…

There are some “rules” of engagement that if both husband-and-wife cling to, the almost guaranteed results of a forever love will be the result.

Below you will find the secrets behind the success my husband and I have figured out and traveled for decades.

Behind Closed Doors: The 5 Rules of Marriage My Husband and I Live By:

1. We don’t shame each other. Humiliate, dishonor, embarrass, demean, we don’t do any of it. Trust is a bedrock of any marriage and if there’s demeaning or humiliation or shaming going on it will slowly erode the foundation of the marriage union. If one of us feels the other has crossed the line on any of these, it is called out, and an apology quickly ensues. Being human, anyone can accidently cause pain to another but knowing we both would never aim for disrespect or disgrace enables us to forgive and move on. Whether in private or public this a rule we practice daily. No matter what we find out about the other phrases like, “How could you?” or “I can’t believe you’d do or say that” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why would you do that to me?” are not said. We remain curious about the other with no judgement. We all have flaws. When you live with someone your flaws will come out and their flaws will come out, and no one wants to be shamed by another. We don’t shame each other.
2. When one of us needs help the other jumps in. I don’t feel alone in my marriage. Okay, let me rephrase that: I’m not alone in my marriage because of my relationship with Jesus who has always filled in the gaps when my human husband is otherwise occupied. We see ourselves as a team with God in the center. As a team we have handled challenges together. If one of us asks for or obviously needs help or assistance the other happily jumps in to help. In marriage we need to know that the other is looking out for us and will help with the boulders of life or even the feathers when we need it. Being a spouse who can be counted on and having a spouse who can be counted on is one of the foundations of our marriage. Part of loving and honoring and cherishing can be translated as support.  
3. We forgive quickly. Luke 6:37-38 tells us: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.” My husband and I “measure” each other and ourselves with a heart of forgiveness. What is “pressed down, shaken together, and running over” goes back and forth and when we get “squeezed” forgiveness comes out. When we focus on how we’ve been forgiven first by God, and second by our spouse, offering forgiveness becomes part of our nature. Holding on to unforgiveness can destroy any marriage. The best marriages are those with two proficient forgivers.
4. We let each other be who we are. Worts and all! Freedom. One of the biggest markers in our marriage is freedom to be who we are and freedom to explore the world the way we want to. If one of us wants to take a trip and the other isn’t interested in said trip, we encourage the other to go without us. We do many things together. And, if ever there is an activity or venture that the other just doesn’t want to do, we support and encourage the other to enjoy it on their own or with another family member or friend. Freedom. We give each other freedom to do what we want and freedom to be who we are. This means if our “rough edges” shine through, those edges are accepted with grace and love. If one of us is having a “bad day” the other steps aside lovingly and acceptingly until asked to help or until the other figures things out on their own. We often ask each other, “Is there anything I can do to help?” and if the answer is no, we wait patiently trusting the other to figure it out. No judgement. We get to be who we are and we are accepted and loved just as we are today.
5. We take care of ourselves. We both take care of ourselves so that we can love the other fully and keep each other a priority. Ephesians 5:17-18 tells us, “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, in which there is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.” We all want to know what God’s will, don’t we? Here in Ephesians, we have a huge clue (more like a roadmap) for what God’s will is, “be filled with the Spirit” comes before what Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:21- “and subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ.” Be filled with the Holy Spirit and then Paul goes on to tell us how to conduct ourselves as husbands and wives in a mutual submissive relationship. How can we accomplish God’s example in our marriage? Allow God to fill us with the Holy Spirit and then from the outpouring of what God gives us we can then love our spouse. Do your best to take care of you, and be a whole person, then you can care for another. My husband and I tend to our own hearts, we get what we need from God, allow God to fill us with the Spirit, and then we can love the other fully. We take care of ourselves and we nurture our marriage union.

There you have it, our rules for marriage. These 5 rules have sustained us through kids, challenges, disappointments, victories, and losses for decades. What do you think? Might it work for your marriage?

For more from Lucille Williams on marriage check out her books, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace or Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for regular encouragement.