How to Maintain a Relationship with Your Adult Child
I didn’t think I could take my next breath. The world was crushing in like a tank had landed on my chest. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I could hear the sound of each heartbeat. The world was coming to an end. At least for me it was. It felt as though my life was over. What is wrong with me? Don’t you trust God? Where’s your faith?
I didn’t think I could get through the next minute let alone the next day…week…month…year! Letting out a prayer to God, “Lord, please help me. I don’t think I can bare this.” As the tears rolled down my face I grabbed my phone and sent out some text messages asking friends to pray for me.
Then sat and waited for responses. Staring. Waiting.
Fear of the future gripped my heart. Sitting in a hotel room knowing I’d have to say goodbye to our son the next morning overwhelmed my mom’s heart with grief. I am aware that it sounds almost laughable. The thought of life without seeing my little boy—okay he was a man—was crushing me. These were feelings I didn’t know what do with. They were foreign. And it hurt. The emotional pain was crippling. Stabbing. Too much for my tender mom-heart.
Sure, we had dropped him off at college three years before and I survived that. But he was still in the same state and I could drive to see him. On most occasions it took two hours but I was happy to drive the distance, and I did so often. But I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. How would I survive this? Can there really be life after leaving one of your chicks to completely fend for themselves? Would I ever feel happy again?
Suddenly, I found my next breath. My cell phone was lighting up with numerous texts of encouragement from my dearly loved friends. They were praying for me and I could feel it.
Maybe I can get through this.
You might be thinking that was the worst of it and the end of the story, but no, it’s not. My dear husband and I had a long drive from Texas to California. I’m a little embarrassed to admit I cried from Texas to California. Yes days of crying! Through my sobs Mike would say, “You can visit him anytime you want.” At the time I thought that maybe it was his failed attempt to get me to stop crying. But now, over a decade later, he has made good on his promise many times over never giving me grief for booking tickets.
Today our adventurous son still lives in Texas. Only now, we have a delightful “daughter” and three exceptionally amazing “beyond all we could ask or think” * grandchildren in Texas as well. As we prepare for another visit my mind has gone back to that heart wrenching time we had to hand him over to God and trust God with our grown son. What I didn’t know then was the absolute joy God had instore for me. Watching our son mature into a wonderful man, husband, and father has been a delight beyond words.
What I have learned over the years regarding change and our kids leaving the nest and/or moving away is this…
- It’s okay to grieve. In fact, it’s almost imperative that you do in order for joy to return.
- Let them become who God has created them to be apart from you. Offer cheers and support but don’t intrude. Let them figure things out. Trust them and trust God.
- Ask if you can be invited in. Don’t push in, ask and respect their wishes. Sometimes our kids need some space from us and we need to be okay with that.
- Allow them to teach you how to have an “adult” relationship with them. I have three grown children and I have a different relationship with each one. I let each of my kids guide what kind of relationship I have with them.
- Continually reinforce unconditional love for them. Love cannot be based on decisions they make that we agree with. Don’t withdraw when they do things that may seem nonoptimal to us. Love no matter what.
- Allow them to be who they are and offer approval and love on their worst days and on their best. When our children come to our home they get to be who they are completely without judgment from us or “words of correction.” Our home is a safe space. And when we get invited to their home we don’t judge the environment or nitpick their choices.
*Ephesians 3:20-21 – “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jeus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”
For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for regular encouragement.
