“Adult Children” Are Just Adults: 5 Points for Parents

Why are so many adults distancing themselves from their parents? Parents who loved and cared for them. Parents who raised and sacrificed for them. Parents who desperately want a relationship with them. It is so sad to witness the number of fractured families we’ve all been witness to. Maybe you’re experiencing it yourself. If you are, my heart goes out to you, the deep pain of a child one is longing for is almost indescribable and unbearable.  

How can we take steps to fix this? How do we have a mutual relationship with the kids we raised? A relationship where all parties are wanting to interact, wanting a close connection, and one that is mutually enjoyed?

Keep reading.

We call our grown children “adult children” today. An adult is not a child, so where did this phrase come from? The term originated in recovery programs such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), which is a wonderful program that has helped many people. That said, the term adult child has taken steam and been used widely and frequently.

Adult children.

Just the phrase “adult children” elicits the idea of our kids being “ours” even into adulthood. The problem is they are not ours and they were never “ours.” We were given the privilege of loving and raising them. But they are not an extension of us, they are their own person, created by God. I have raised three grown adults, who I am so very proud of, who turned out amazingly outstanding, in spite of me. Sure, I did the best I could: I loved, cherished, and guided to the best of my limited ability, but I cannot take credit for who they are today. I wish I could, but when I look back I see all of the mistakes I made which leaves me eternally thankful for the moral and good and fun people I get to share life with.

5 Points for Parents:

1).

This is our first mind shift: We need to see our children as being their own independent persons. People who are separate from us with choices which may differ from ours and opinions which may differ from us. Yes, we may have raised them “to be a certain way” but once they are adults how they think and behave is up to them. It is between them and God.

2).

We need to stop thinking we know what’s best for them. The job of thinking we know better than they do ended when they became adults. It is their job to figure out what is best for them—not ours. If they need our help with this, they will ask. When our child becomes an adult their journey is now theirs. They are writing their own story just as we did ours and they will figure it out. I hear you screaming, “But I want to stop them from making the mistakes I made!” I hear you, friend, me too. However, we all must learn through our road traveled and no one wants a “critic” along our path. No one likes to be judged as we are figuring things out. And back to my original point, can we truly, truly, truly know what is best for another person? No, we cannot. When we spend time forming opinions about what our grown children “should do” we have stopped enjoying them and started appraising them. It is best to wait to form opinions until asked for our input.  It is between them and God.

3).

Don’t give unsolicited advice. When we lavish our wisdom on our children in the form of advice it can be taken as criticism and judgement. How would you treat a friend? Do you feel as if it is your job to dish out advice on their life choices? Most people who take on this role do not have many friends. Would you want to be around someone who is taking note and making lists of “what you should do” in your life? Yeah, me either. Our children are not looking for people to tell them what they should do. It is between them and God.

4).

When giving gifts, give with no attachments. I’ve heard far too many stories about parents bestowing gifts which also come with significant sturdy strings attached. Later the recipient finds out there are requirements to stay in their parents’ good graces. Family trips come with an itinerary that must be followed. Material possessions are given, but when the parents want to use said “gift,” it serves more like a rental agreement. Money may be given, but when the parents want something or want to control something, this money is brought up as collateral for following the parents requests and guidelines. In extreme circumstances fear of abandonment or some sort of “consequences” may be threatened if “what the parent wants” isn’t followed. Give gifts with no attachments. When a true gift is given, the receiver can do what they want with it, without having to pay a price later. What they do with gifts is between them and God.

5).

Generously give unconditional love and support and praise. We all desire unconditional love and care from our parents. Withholding love and praise from our children is like taking food away from an infant. We are all born with a need for love and approval and when it is not given we are left with an empty part of us. Offer approval, love, and delight, and your children will be drawn to you.

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for regular encouragement.