Five Ways to Win in Relationships

I do it over and over. One of my adult children will be going through something difficult and I sense hurt or pain. Immediately my emotions are heightened and I want to fix whatever is causing this in my child. Yes, they are an adult, but being a mom doesn’t stop when they are grown and on their own, the empathy and concern and protective instinct is still strong. Instead of listening and offering support I want to override the negative emotion and make everything okay.

I might say something like, “But you did a great job” or “It’ll get better” or “Don’t be sad” or some version of all three. I did this with my daughter recently when all she wanted to do was vent and share and I jumped into how good her life was. Ugh. Again. I did it again even though I do my best to stop myself. I called her later and apologized. The truth is, it’s me who can’t handle the emotions. I don’t like when my kids have difficulty and I want to fix it because it’s sad and uncomfortable for me. (I’m still a work in progress and I’ll keep at it.)

This makes it about me.

Have you ever done this with a family member or a friend?

It’s like saying, “I know you’re having a rough time but at least you have… or at least it’s not as bad as… ”

We do this with family and friends too. They may be going through something very difficult and they want to share their feelings. We sincerely want to help so we jump in and offer advice or silver lining scenarios or look at the bright side synopsizes. We really do want to help and we really do want to lessen their pain but often when we do this we don’t help at all. We actually do the opposite by placating their pain and putting a dagger where it hurts.

Looking at the book of Job in the Bible, Job’s friends tend to have a bad rap. But if you look at Job 2:12-13, after Job lost his kids, his property, and his health and wealth, his friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar came to visit him. When they first saw him they wept, tore their robes, and threw dust over their heads (this was their way of expressing deep sorrow and grief). Then these three friends sat down on the ground with Job for seven days and seven nights and did not speak a word to him. They just sat with him and joined him in his suffering.

It was only after they began to talk that their negative reputation defines these friends. We tend to miss that in the beginning they got it right. They cried and showed empathy and joined Job in his pain. We tend to overlook that. In the beginning they were amazing friends…when they didn’t talk.

What does a friend or family member need when they are suffering or in pain? Using Job as our model here are five points in showing that you care.

Five Ways to Win in Relationships

1. They need us to listen with no judgment. No one likes to be judged. When we are feeling judged it’s like the other person telling us there is something wrong with us. A listening hear with no judgment helps us to process and move past our pain.
2. They need us to be present with no suggestions. Just being present is so powerful. It says you are worth my time and energy and I’m here for you.
3. They need time with us with no agenda. If what we are doing is planning what we will say or have an agenda of what we think should happen, it shows we are more about us than being present for them. Just giving our time seems like a small thing but to the receiver it is huge. 
4. They need empathy that says, I feel your pain. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Taking someone by the hand and travelling a rugged road alongside them tells them they are not alone.
5. They need to be seen. I see you and I hear you and you matter to me. When someone feels that from us, they know they are not alone and that they have our support and love.

Thanks for visiting LuSays. Want more on how to win in your relationships? Check out books by Lucille Williams: On marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace or Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for regular encouragement.