Dancing to the Beat of Your Child’s Heart

[This article first appeared in Ann Voskamp’s blog.]

I remember the day I parked at my children’s elementary school to get a glimpse of what they were like on the playground. I witnessed in horror as my ten-year-old son, Tim, played a game in which he was throwing numerous little girls to the ground. He would run, grab a little girl, toss her to the ground, and then run, grab another, and on and on. I felt mortified as I watched girls dropping like flies. As I went home and stewed, my thoughts went from What a terrible mother! to What am I raising? and I’m going to let him have it when he gets home!

But then God whispered. Have you ever noticed when God speaks to us it’s often in a tender whisper? Looking at 1 Kings 19, God approached the prophet Elijah softly—God was not in the roaring wind, the earthquake, the fire. He was in the “gentle blowing.” God showed up with a whisper.

When we are feeling frantic and life seems crazy and out of control, we need to stop, be quiet, and listen for God. “Stop striving and know that I am God,” says Psalm 46:10.

Be still.

Cease striving.

Listen for God.

Suddenly, my demeanor changed. I began to think about Tim’s kind and compassionate heart. I witnessed him giving away his things many times to others. Classmates’ moms had told me he was kind to their daughters and often gave compliments about their pretty dresses. Teachers often told me he helped the other children with schoolwork.

So, why would he act in such an appalling manner? I decided to talk with Tim after school. Sitting him down, I told him about what I had seen. As we talked, it became clear he didn’t realize how bad his behavior was with the girls; to him, it was merely a fun game. He played that way with his older and tougher sister and didn’t see the difference. After explaining it to him, he changed the way he played—and I know because I checked. This same child is a pastor today with the same tender heart.

When we seek to understand our child, we are less likely to jump to incorrect conclusions.

If you’re tempted to overreact, ask questions and listen.

And when you have an impossible kid, you have enough battles. Being understanding and providing choices helps him feel responsible, creating a receptive nature. So many things about a young person’s life are dictated by others, so when choices are given, it softens an impossible kid.

When we force our own agendas, we hinder our children’s growth and development. When we guide them to make their own decisions, good or bad, they will learn. In that process they develop character.

The balance between rules, boundaries, and freedom is a delicate one. We want to give fair and reasonable limits; however, we do not want to restrain them from becoming all God designed them to be. Making decisions, failing, making mistakes enable them to grow and learn. Don’t be afraid to let them fail. Just make sure you are there to help pick them up.

If you strive to understand your children’s world, even arguments and disagreements can enrich your relationship. Help settle conflicts by sharing your heart and your love. When you connect with your children through being vulnerable and real, it gives them a chance to see your heart and your motives. The greater the relationship, the less likely they’ll be to rebel.

God has commissioned you to raise His child. No matter how inadequate you feel, God asked you to do the job. Be faithful, ride the roller coaster, join the dance.

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.