The Pastor’s Wife: The Wife Without A Name
In the book of James, James the brother of Jesus, begins his epistle with “James, a bond-servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ” (James 1:1). Have you ever wondered why he didn’t start with “James, the brother of our Lord Jesus Christ”? After all he was his brother and that would give him more authority, one would think, and yet he neglected to mention that. Why?
I think I may have an idea. Could it possibly be the same reason that when I meet people at church I don’t tell them my husband is a pastor?
The reason: I want to earn my own legitimacy. I want them to like me for me, and not because I am a pastor’s wife. Perhaps James wanted to be identified as a Christ-follower, not because he was his brother but because he was a yielded servant.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of my husband and I am proud to be his wife; nonetheless, I have been introduced quite often as “Pastor Mike’s wife.”
While I love that title, I can become tangled and wrap my identity around my husband’s title and lose who God wants me to be.
Most people have their own ideas of what a pastor’s wife should look like, should behave like, and should perform like. I instinctively desire to meet everyone’s expectations. And yes, I meant to write “perform.” It becomes easy to perform and easy to neglect remembering that the one we need to please is God, and only God. I disappoint often, including myself.
At times it is tempting to retreat and hide away. As was the day someone said to me, “Nobody likes you; they only come to you because you’re Pastor Mike’s wife.” Yes, on that day I wanted to hide.
And then there are the days when you are in a “bit of a disagreement” with your pastor husband—yes, even pastor’s have disagreements with their wives—and everyone you pass wants to tell you what a wonderful husband you have, and all the wonderful things he said or did. While I love hearing those compliments, I’m thinking, “I’m a terrible person! He practically walks on water. How can I be irritated with him?”
Here’s the funny part, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want it any other way. It is an honor to be married to such a godly man whom God uses so enormously, and I am blissfully happy to be “the wife without a name.”
To conclude, I want to send a shout out to all my brothers and sisters at Shepherd of the Hills Church for allowing me to be me, with all my imperfections, and for laughing with me at my quirkiness; it is my prayer that other congregations are as gracious and loving as you are to the pastor’s wives at their church. I wholeheartedly love you all!
Actually when i met you, I didn’t know you were pastor Mike’s wife. I thought you were just like any of us. In other words not married to any pastors, lol
I still thought of you as a woman that encourage many women, I love your energy and the inviting smile that you offer to many of us women.
When others ask me who you are… I’ll just say… She’s Lucille a good friend from church. 😀
Thanks! Hahaha….I really don’t mind being referred to as “Pastor Mike’s wife.” Thank you for your kind words!
I want to thank you again for these posts. I may not always comment but I Always read them. I sure hope that whoever said that nobody likes you was a loving friend who was trying to help you and not some big meanie! Doesn’t matter anyways…you follow Christ and you’re human just like me. 🙂 May God continue to bless you with these wonderful ideas for posts.
Thank you, Barbie! I think the person that said that was not trying to be mean, I think things got overwhelming for them and I was the outlet.
Great post!! Kaiya, Barbie and I are often refered to as “The Willards” around church, I guess because we are always together or volunteering in a “pack” as someone once said. I love the family aspect of it because it speaks to the fact that we are always together but I do sometimes wonder if people would know who we were individually if they ever wanted to ask one of us a question and we were not in our “pack”..lol.
Pack, haha! I think it is wonderful that you guys serve together. That is how it is/was for us too, until my son moved to Texas. But we won’t talk about that now, sniff, sniff.
I love who you are because you are real. I love your smile because it is genuine. I love your laugh because it is infectious. I love your tears because it shows your tenderness. I didn’t know you were married to Pastor Mike! JK LOL. He is blessed to have you at his side and we are blessed to know you!
Terry, THAT WAS SO SWEET! You totally made my day. All I have to say to you is back at ya sister! Thank you!
Your the Pastors wife I like to party with at church doing service! Love doing the Lu dance! Love ya<3
Rhonda I LOVE WORSHIPPING WITH YOU!
Great blog, Lucille, and boy can I ever relate! Did I ever tell you about the time I stood in the back of church with a woman I’d just met and she asked me if I knew the pastor’s wife? I laughed and said, “Very well!” She pointed to a woman sitting on the front row and asked me if she was the wife. I said, “No.” She then went on to point out various women, asking if one of them was his wife. I never did tell her it was me – I thought that she would never believe me after all the guessing she had done!
From one pastor’s wife to another – I love you, sister! You truly model a godly wife before my eyes. Thanks for loving your man and standing beside him – be it invisibly or silently – supporting him and the call the Lord has on his life. It’s such a blessing to have husbands -and church families- who allow us to be ourselves. Love you much.
Carol, that story is hilarious! Carol, you my dear friend are the model! I was in awe of the amount of love and gratefulness your congregation had for you while I was at Heart of the Canyons Church. You are an amazing woman! Love you!!!!!
Lu
what a great post. Pastor’s wives need to know who they are separate from their husbands. My wife, Bev, has always tried to keep a healthy distance between her self as a godlywoman, mother, wife, and her marriage to me a pastor. i hope many young ‘pastor’s’ wives read this and take it to heart. charley
Charley, you sound like a wonderful pastor. I am sure your wife and congregation are truly blessed!
Lu,
thanks. i tried to be a good pastor, but first a husband and father. My wife and I currently aren’t officially pastoring a church, we lead a non-profit organization that comes alongside pastoral and missionary couples to encourage, prayer with, and sometimes counsel them. charley
Charley, that’s awesome!
I love you just the way you are!!!! The “nobody likes you” comment is cracking me up. If you told me this in person, we’d be rolling on the floor in laughter right now! Lots of people laughed and mocked David too. Look at the giant he took out! Don’t listen to haters! You’re amazing!!!
You’re AMAZING! And yes, we would be cracking up together! Thank you for that!
Thank you for being honest and transparent. We may not express it much, or not at all, but you are more than the “Pastor’s wife.” You are a Woman of God. Thank you for all that you do and thank you for blessing me with your article. May God continue to bless you and your remarkable family.
Thank you, Marlene! You are too sweet!
I don’t normally respond to blogs but this one struck a chord so I had to write.
I can so relate to what you said here on both ends and this is coming from a “stay-at-home” mom – struggles with identity but also, I used to be one of those people who judged Pastor’s wives (yes, I know, shocking?!) 🙂 At the risk of being too transparent, it’s true.
Thankfully I have matured over the years and my identity in Christ is all that matters. My husband is my covering in our relationship and I love him dearly. We lean on each other but first it has to be the Lord, especially because there are some days that I am too much of a sanguine to his melancholy. 🙂
I also have to add, our family usually gets, “Oh your so-and-so’s mom or dad?!”
On another note, when I first met Mike and you, not knowing either one of you, I had a feeling you were married. There was a bond between you two that is evident, by just being in the same room together and standing near one another. Might I add that you two are a perfect mix of temperaments for one another.
And on a lighter note, “Behind every great man, is a great woman.” :)))))
Please keep being Lu!
Kelly, thank you for your transparentcy, I love it. That is so cool that you could tell that we were married. Not to long ago we were at a doctors office and the receptionist asked us if we were newlyweds, haha! Frankly, I am crazy about the man and I have to behave myself at church and not be too physical. Kelly, thank you for your comment!
Hi Mrs. Mike Williams 😉 I loved your blog post, First Lady of SOTH children’s ministry! 😉 You are such a BEAUTIFUL Pastor’s wife!!! 😉 I didn’t know Pastor Mike’s wife could write such wonderful blogs!!! ;););) JUST KIDDIN!!!!!!!! 😀 Mrs. Lu you are so wonderfully made, I thank GOD for YOU!!!! Enjoyed reading this and you are truly one of a kind and we all LOVE YOU!!!!! <3
Btw….PLEASE tell ME when you and Pastor Mike have a disagreement! I want to make sure "I" go up to him & tell him HOW WONDERFUL & AMAZING "YOU" are so he could get irritated!!! Bwahah 😉 But… I DONT THINK IT WOULD WORK LOL {Oh well I tried *Shrugs Shoulders*}
Much luv gorgeous, funny, amazing, brilliant Mrs. Lu Says!!! 😉 🙂
Carol, you are the sweetest! Thank you!
I actually take great pride in having two dear friends that are pastors wives..I love that I know you and Lu you have great wisdom always for us. I pray and thank God for you. xoxo