I feel as though I reached an all new low. You know, those moments where something in you comes out but you wish it wasn’t there? Then after, you’re faced with the reality of the ugly inside of you. Well, yeah, one of those moments.
Hubby and I had fallen asleep for the night after a long exta-tiring weekend of ministry. (He’s a children’s pastor.) A nightmare had woken him, and he was standing by our bedroom window. Gently he leaned down and kissed me. It woke me up. After we talked for a few minutes, he climbed back into bed and fell back asleep in like 30 seconds. Sound asleep!
Does anyone else live with a spouse like that who can fall asleep faster than a race car driver can do a lap? It can be a bit unnerving.
So sweet. So tender. How wonderful. The problem was I was pissed! I couldn’t fall back to sleep, and then on top of it I had a hot flash! UUUggghhh!
Wide awake I tossed and turned. I wanted to hit him with a pillow. Instead I reached over and turned on my light.
He shot up, “What’s happening? What’s wrong?”
“I can’t get back to sleep so, I’m going to read.”
He could tell I was ticked. He apologized for waking me. And you know what he did? He fell back to sleep EVEN WITH THE LIGHT ON! I had an inkling I might regret this in the morning. I read for awhile and then turned off my light and finally went back to sleep.
In the morning my first words were, “I’m so sorry.” He quickly forgave me but it was hard for me to forgive myself. I had been so terribly mean. And the fact that he forgave me so quickly without even a mention of the monster I had been the night before made me feel even worse.
Does this ever happen to you, you’ve been forgiven but then you have difficulty forgiving yourself?
I know I’m going to feel bad about this all day and maybe into tomorrow. I’ll probably apologize again just because I can’t shake it off. Where did this come from? How can I be so mean? So selfish?
I am praying that “Mean Wife” can stay dormant until I learn how to deal with her better. All I can do at this point is be the best wife I can be today. I can’t go back.
Apologize and then do better, that’s the mending bridge for marriage.