My son walked in on a “discussion” my husband and I were having. He said what he needed to say and left with, “Okay, I’ll leave so you two can finish your fight.” So perceptive!
Later when we were alone I filled him in on more details. I believe if your kids see you having a “discussion” they deserve to hear the resolution too. Only fair, right?
After bringing him up to speed, with his jaw dropped, he said, “Wow Mom! You were really mean!”
Would you be interested in hearing what happened?
Here’s the honest unadulterated truth:
It was early morning and my husband and I were both in the kitchen getting ready to workout. I was getting some water, and he his energy drink. Well, I have a tendency to “forget” that I am not alone in the kitchen and my hubby pointed out my lack of ability to share the kitchen space. My response was, “Well, if you got me a bigger kitchen we would have more room.”
Okay, don’t judge me. I know it was REALLY mean and cutting.
Back to the story:
He didn’t say a word. We both went into the garage – where our gym is – and did our workout. Without. A. Word. Usually we talk through our workouts, but not on this day.
Now, would I like a bigger kitchen? Yes. Are we saving to make it happen? Yes. If we had extra funds would he make it happen for me as soon as possible? Yes.
Just because something is true, does not make it okay to say it.
Do I have everything I need? Yes. Was I just saying it to be mean? Yes. I was mad and wanted to dig at him. I went for the jugular. Something we women should never do. I did what I tell others NEVER to do! I’ve even told my daughter many times.
I’ve always been quick with the tongue and have to seal my lips often to stop words from lashing out which leave collateral damage. Well, this day I was unsuccessful to say the least.
This is the mean message I sent:
- You don’t give me enough.
- I am not happy with you.
- I want more.
- Others have a better kitchen than me and it’s your fault.
- I’m not happy with you.
In my heart I didn’t want to convey that but my insensitive words did. Clearly, this is not a way to build up your husband! I blew it on several levels and ended up apologizing profusely. However, it was my son who pointed out just how nasty and insensitive I had been.
So, what’s a girl to do now?
To begin with, sealing my lips is a good start, but a deeper step needs to be made. You see, this is a heart issue. Deep down I’ve got coveting going on. My daughter-in-law AND my daughter both have better kitchens than I do. I started running negative scripts in my head about what I don’t have.
We can never feel content and joyful when we focus on what we don’t have and what we think we deserve.
My son ended our conversation with, “What about all the clothes Dad buys you? He spends more money on your clothes than anything else.”
Here’s the take away:
Focus on what you have. Not on what you don’t have. For me, I have a kitchen full of food! There is usually a lot of laughter and cheerfulness in my kitchen. My husband looks out for me and gives me more gifts than I can list. He works hard. Very hard. He comes home every night. He loves to buy me presents. And he loves to take me out. Bottom line, I have a wonderful husband. One who does not deserve to be belittled by the insensitive words of his wife. It is much more productive to build up our spouse than to tear them down.
Look for the blessings in your life and be thankful for what you have. Especially if you have a good spouse. They need to be treasured and appreciated.
When you change the heart, you change the tongue.
Until next time, be kind, speak words of praise, be thankful for all you have…especially your spouse!